Now don't get upset anyone - this is just for fun

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Alan
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Now don't get upset anyone - this is just for fun

Post by Alan » Mon 23 Feb, 2009 04:38:01

You know you read too much De Richleau when:
(Now be honest... How many of these apply to you?)


- You’ve experimented with saying “noâ€￾ without fully closing your mouth, to see if it actually does come out as “nerâ€￾...

- You wonder if you and your best drinking friend were actually twin sisters in a past life...

- You know Mocata’s first name without having to actually look it up...

- You can talk learnedly about Voodoo and how to make a zombie, even though the nearest you’ve been to Haiti is Eastbourne...

- You pester your local off license to get you a bottle of Chateau Latour ‘28

- You can recite the Dukes FULL name without having to consult the books (ditto for Marie-Lou)…

- You design your dream house, and it has an eight-sided library...

- When you’re driving your Datsun, you pretend it’s a Hispano Suisa (if you’re a real tragic, you’ve even bribed your mates to stand on the running boards dressed as footmen!)

You’ve drawn up a family tree to see how Simon and Miranda’s offspring are related to Fleur…

- You wouldn’t feel the slightest bit embarrassed dressing up as a nun – after all, Simon did it!

- You carry a vial of salt and some asafoetida grass everywhere you go…

- You always feel just a tad nervous driving through St John’s Wood...

- You wonder what you’re favourite girl would look like in peach silk pyjamas tucked into socks...

- You’ve actually eaten smoked cods’ roe mixed with cream, and managed to keep it down...

- You’ve looked everywhere for a brightly coloured smoking jacket with braided fastenings (score double if you don’t even smoke!)

- If you ever want to move silently, you put your socks on over your shoes...

- You start your dinner at eight, but don’t drink your coffee until after ten...

- You’d like to know how the Sussamma Ritual goes, just in case you should ever need it...

- You get really terrified if you see a red light in a cellar, even if everyone tells you it’s just a phosphorescent beetle...

- If you eat a ham roll you trim it neatly at the edges…

- You’ve actually searched Amazon for Sylvia Sinegeist DVDs…

- You are familiar with the phrase “I will send fire to consume your testiclesâ€￾…

- You and your friends hold learned discussions over whether or not it’s advisable to bring an automatic pistol into a pentacle...

- You’ve wondered why Simon likes lobster so much, given his religion…

- Your wife wants to do sexual role-play, and you insist she be either Marie-Lou or The Countess de Cordoba y Coralles – (or, if you’re a real sicko, Tanith in the pentacle!)

- You look up the Chesapeake Banking and Trust Corporation in the share listings...

- When in private, you put a breadstick in your mouth and pretend it’s a Hoyo De Monterrey...


Come on ladies and gentleman – I’m sure there’s a Roger Brook or Gregory Sallust tragic can match this!

:D

Steve Whatley
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Post by Steve Whatley » Tue 24 Feb, 2009 00:28:13

Splendid Alan! I laughed out loud several times reading that (which I normally only do when reading one of Dornford Yates' 'Berry' books).

A few of the references were lost on me - does this mean I have to re-read the whole De Richleau series?

The socks-over-shoes idea could work, but there might be problems on a polished parquet floor.

And although I detest smoking, I must admit to wondering about a crimson smoking-jacket, which I could wear in my library, if I ever had one (a library, that is).

I don't suppose you can make it over to England for the next Convention? You could do a DW stand-up comedy routine or something - could be a big hit.

Will get to work on some Sallust ideas....

Alan
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DW jokes? The bind moggles...

Post by Alan » Tue 24 Feb, 2009 08:38:00

Ah, if only I COULD do the convention! Dollars, dollars, dollars...

As for a DW stand-up routine, this idea really gets me interested. Sort of:

How many Scarlet Imposters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but you'll need a squad to clear away the dead bodies afterwards...

or

What was sent to the wrecking yard even tough it was still running perfectly?

The car of Gifford Hillary (you might have to think about that one!)

and finally:

Knock knock
whose there?
Mairl
Mairl who?
Yes, that's right - now let me in, Richard, it's raining!

I now look around desperately for someone to smuggle me out on a barge before I get lynched.

:D :D

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Post by ken68 » Tue 24 Feb, 2009 20:48:03

very good. ashamed to say i don't understand them all! but i have smoked a hoyo. they are readily available seemingly and my got me a few for my big 4oth last year. i abhor smoking but had to try one.
ken

Steve Whatley
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Post by Steve Whatley » Wed 25 Feb, 2009 01:19:35

Ken, I quite understand about the Hoyo; despite what I said about smoking, I could see myself being tempted to at least have a sniff of one. (Any excuse to buy that crimson smoking-jacket.)

Alan, this stand-up routine could work you know, though I'm afraid the knock, knock joke was entirely wasted on me.

Anyway, here's what you've inspired me to come up with since yesterday.

You know you've been reading too much Gregory Sallust when;

- you ask the barman for 'a pint of champagne please - in a silver tankard if possible'

- you suddenly decide that it might be useful to learn to speak German

- you start counting how many times you've narrowly escaped death, and it's 17, no 22 - actually, make that 38, and probably still counting

- a long-standing colleague says 'good morning' to you at the office and you're afraid to answer in case you give your true identity away

- you ask your barber to do you a widow's peak just for a change

- you wonder if it's Grauber in disguise every time you see someone over 16 stone and looking vaguely Germanic

- you keep managing to bring 'my mate Sir Pellinore' into the conversation

- you keep thinking of all the things you wouldn't have to do for yourself if only you had your own batman

- while the barber is doing your widow's peak you casually ask whether any portly Germanic gentlemen have come in for an en brosse cut recently

- you wake up in the night with an automatic poking into the back of your neck, then realise it's the one you've recently started keeping under the pillow, just in case...

- after the barman has spent five minutes searching for a silver tankard you say 'forget the champagne - can you shake me some cocktails instead?'


On reflection, I think the stand-up spot is definitely yours Alan. If you can't make the Convention, why not send us a video recording? If it's good enough for Mr Lee.....

Alan
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More Sallust ?humour

Post by Alan » Wed 25 Feb, 2009 03:10:48

Now, this is REALLY gaining momentum:

- You call everyone you dislike a swine...

- You're really kinky about having sex on barges...

- whenever possible, you surreptitiously swap drinks with your neighbour, just in case yours contains a truth drug...

- You look at photos of Marlene Deitrich and go "Erika, oh my Erika..."

- You never use the expression "going to the bog", as it has unpleasant connotations (OK, this one's a bit obscure!)...

- You pester your travel agent for a world tour entitled - "Get shot at in 27 different countries"...

- You know the "unprintable Italian oath", and can even spell it correctly...

- You've got "the stoop" just right, and you're wondering how to give yourself a scar above the eyebrow...

- You have vague dreams about an alternate Britain ruled by fascists, but you're sure it never happened

- You make annual pilgrimages to Gloucester Road...

I'm thinking if I DID try a standup routine, the other conventioneers might do a Grauber impersonation and see how well I stand up to torture!

Alan
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Post by Alan » Wed 25 Feb, 2009 03:12:13

By the way, re the "knock knock" joke, try saying it our loud...

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Post by Jim » Wed 25 Feb, 2009 04:32:39

It's great to see members not taking The Sacred Writings too seriously...

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Post by Stevie P » Wed 25 Feb, 2009 12:13:07

I do all of these things. Are you telling me this is not normal?????? :?

I'd like to know the unspeakable oath, Alan. If you write it down, it won't be so bad... will it??

Alan
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Post by Alan » Sun 1 Mar, 2009 12:11:44

>I'd like to know the unspeakable oath, Alan. If you write it down, it won't be so bad... will it??

Since many of those that post here may well be Roman Catholics, I'm not really willing to risk offending people. Essentially, it implies that there are porcine qualities in the mother of Jesus - now that you have that information I'm sure a Google search will fill in the blanks. :D

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Post by Steve Whatley » Thu 25 Jun, 2009 14:42:42

Right, you may have to dig deep to work out one or two of the references here, and maybe even deeper to raise a laugh, but....

You know you've read too many Roger Brook novels when;

- You find yourself doing the crossword with a quill pen

- You've figured out a French version of your name, but your bank complains when you start signing cheques that way

- You've grown your hair long enough to be tied back with a ribbon (and you're not a woman)

- You find yourself admiring those splendid tricorn hats in the window of the fancy-dress shop

- You cut yourself shaving and you cover the scar with a nice big black beauty spot

- You're seriously thinking of selling your car and buying a horse

- You meet friends but can't remember whether you need to greet them in English or in French

- You find yourself 'making a leg' when introduced to a lady

- Are you imagining it, or does your boss keep pulling your earlobe as a gesture of affection?

- You decide a small bag of gold sovereigns would be more flexible than a credit card

- Your dinner guests ask what's behind that tall screen in the corner of the room, and you wonder if you've gone too far...

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Post by Alan » Sun 28 Jun, 2009 13:19:26

That's it - I hand over my sceptre and crown to you!

I bet no-one here can do a Julian Day routine though! :D

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caroline$-0
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Post by caroline$-0 » Fri 3 Jul, 2009 23:12:45

very very funny.Thank you Alan.

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